The following is one of a series of articles by Kris Imbrie written expressly for Project Sussex Kids. Read more at www.projectsussexkids.org.
The school year is in full
swing and hopefully most children have readjusted their schedules to
accommodate the early start for the school day.
Sometimes parents are concerned that inadequate sleep may impair their children’s
abilities in school, particularly if their child is having trouble falling
asleep or staying asleep.
Frequently parents tell me
that their child stalls going to bed or repeatedly complains that they are
unable to sleep once they have been put to bed.
Sleep is a tricky
thing. Let's face it, as adults we
probably experience our own share of sleepless nights and groggy mornings. Learning how to relax ourselves in order to
fall asleep is a skill. The more we
worry about things, the more difficult it is to relax.
Sometimes, I think adults
minimize or brush off the worries of a child.
In comparison to our concerns, the issues faced by children can seem
minor to an adult. After all, they’re
just kids!
However, because children
are less able to protect themselves in the world, their problems are very
significant to them. For example, parents
are not present in the school classroom to explain to their child’s teacher
that reading aloud can be frightening. No
one is on the playground to help children navigate the tricky social dynamics
of immature egos or to help the bus driver understand that his yelling is
terrifying.
I see many children in my
private practice with anxiety issues.
Many unexpected things can happen in a child's day. They may be mentally prepared for the usual demands
of getting up, getting dressed, brushing their teeth, packing their backpack,
remembering their homework, etc. But
when they encounter a change in their usual routine, such as finding out that
there is a substitute teacher or getting teased by a classmate, anxiety kicks
in and their day is ruined.
Bedtime is often the place
where all these negative feelings bubble to the surface. As adults, the same thing often happens to
us. We lie in bed reviewing the complexities
of the day while we're trying to make sense of it all. Compared with adults, children are less
capable of making sense of their experiences.
They sometimes need our help and understanding when sleep just won't
come, along with some assistance in calming themselves down.
The first thing to remember
is that calming down for sleep takes some time.
Kids aren't going to go from “full speed” to dead sleep in minutes. Things that are very stimulating need to stop
at least an hour or so before bedtime, including television, videos, and screen
time. Playing an exciting video game
right up to bedtime is going to prevent the child's autonomic nervous system
from slowing down to the level of peace and calm that is required for sleep.
A child who is having a
difficult time getting to sleep can be very frustrating for the parent. For myself, I recall that after about an hour
of dealing with a child who could not settle into sleep, I often “lost it” and
ended up threatening consequences or saying things that upset my child. Before we allow our anger to take over it is
helpful to remind ourselves that expressing our annoyance will be
counter-productive, since children are often unnerved when they realize that
their parents are upset with them. Instead,
try to recognize that children share our frustration: They want to be able to sleep almost as much
as we want them to sleep.
So, let's think of some ways
that we can help our children slow down, calm down and relax.
Quiet activities like
reading, or doing a puzzle together with some peaceful music in the background
will go a long way to setting an atmosphere for sleep. With multiple children we might tend to the
youngest first as the older ones listen to their favorite music or a book on
tape. But, if possible, each child needs
to have our personal attention, even if it’s just for 10 or 15 minutes.
We are our child's best
regulator. Our attention and interest in
their day's events can allow for residual feelings to come to the surface. Just having us listen to their worries as
they express their feelings can eliminate the internal dysregulation that
interferes with sleep. Therefore, just
talking with your child while they are in their beds can help children feel
connected and safe.
